How to Heal and Restore Our Identity – Healing 2024

Summary

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Are you truly rooted in your identity as a beloved son or daughter of God? Many of us are not, and we can feel its effects in our daily life. In this talk Jake Khym helps us see how we come to understand, or misunderstand, our identity by looking outside of ourselves at another and how we can come to heal the parts that have been broken, by gazing at the face of Christ.

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Reflective Study Guide Questions

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“Anyone who contemplates Christ through the various stages of his life cannot fail to perceive in him the truth about man. ”

Rosarium Virginis Mariae

1. In this talk Jake talks about the theory of Mentalization or how we “find our identity by gazing at another.” However, as we live in a fallen world we are often given the wrong understanding of who we are or we misunderstand the cues given to us by loved ones. In what ways (for better or worse) has gazing at another affected your understanding of your identity?

2. The only person who can truly give us our identity is Jesus. To heal our identity we have to accurately gaze at the face of the One who knows and loves us. Is your gaze accurate? Who do you say Jesus is?

3. Do you actively look to Jesus to restore and heal your identity, particularly through the Rosary? How can you make space in your life to spend time in meditation and contemplation on the Lord’s life?

4. After listening to Jake’s talk, what does Jesus’ face look like when you look at Him? Who does Jesus say that you are?

Text: How to Heal and Restore Our Identity

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Hi, my name is Jake Khym, and I am happy to be with you today, and we’re going to be praying and talking through the idea of how to heal and restore our identity. But before we get there, let’s pray.

Opening Prayer

In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Jesus, we pause for a few moments to invite you into this moment, into this short time we will have together to reflect on you, on how you’ve made us. And I pray that you would bless this time and that you would speak to us, move Lord in us, draw us to yourself. And in that please draw us back into our true selves. Jesus, in your name we pray, Amen. In the name of the Father, and of the son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.

The Concept of Mentalization

So, by training in schooling, I am a psychologist, counselor, have my master’s degree in counseling psychology. And one of the things that I learned in grad school was this concept called “Mentalization”. It’s kind of a cool concept, and when you apply it to the spiritual life in particular identity, it gets really rich. So here’s the basic principle. It assumes that when kids are developing and they’re trying to come into and understand their identity, one of the primary ways that they do that is by looking at their caregivers. And so here’s the cool part, is that kids learn says the theory of mentalization. They, they get an image of themselves when they look at their primary caregiver and how their primary caregiver reacts to them.

And so in some ways, it’s almost like they’re watching their primary caregiver and then they imagine inside their mom or their dad’s mind and heart is an image of them. And so they’re trying to see this image of them that’s in their mom and dad, and the way that they’re interpreting that image is by how mom and dad or their grandparents or whomever react to them. And so they’re looking for all these little nuances and all of this stuff. And from that, they’re determining their image. It’s like they’re, they’re seeing themselves in mom or dad’s face in their heart. And it’s, it’s a really cool theory and there’s a lot of neurology and all that kind of stuff behind it. But one of the things I think that’s just really simple is we find our identity by gazing at another. And, and you can see this in the life of the Trinity, and I think that’s maybe actually where we get this concept of mentalization. At least that’s my theory because it’s when the father is gazing at the son and the son gazing at the father that we come to see their identity as father and son. And then the stuff that’s between them, the love that’s between them is so rich. It’s called the Holy Spirit, another person.

And so this gazing at another to find ourselves or to discover our identity is in the trinity and we’re made in the image of likeness of the trinity. So kind of makes sense that we would do it in a way similar to how they do it. And if there’s no sin, or if mom and dad are perfect and everything’s great, then this whole thing is going to go fantastic. But the reality is, and this is you’re in my experience, that moms and dads didn’t always give us a perfect image of ourselves and or we didn’t interpret their reactions accurately. So I mean, if this is where we find our identity, this is a pretty big deal because we can actually misinterpret ourselves in the face and eyes and image of someone else. And so how we see another’s face, especially in those developmental years, has a really big impact on how we see ourselves. And so we might need to rediscover ourselves, but how we might need to heal our identity. But how I think the critical answer to this question is to accurately see the face of the one who knows us and loves us.

Seeing the Face of God

Obviously, I’m leading to seeing the face of God. And you know, in the Old Testament, that was the great ache and desire of the people of God. And then finally that ache and desire was revealed in the person of Jesus Christ. This is a quote from Gaudium et es, and it says, “The truth is that only in the mystery of the incarnate word, (Jesus) does the mystery of man take on light.” So in other words, the only way we find ourselves or understand the mystery of who we are is by finding ourselves in the mystery of the incarnate word, which is Jesus. And so when you link all these ideas together, you arrive at something. St. John Paul II used to say a lot, and that is “Contemplate the face of Christ.” God has a face. And when we look at His face and we see Him accurately then and there, we will rediscover our identity and our identity will be healed.

Rosarium Virginis Mariae

So let me lay out some ideas, and then I want to give you maybe a little bit of a prayerful reflection about Jesus’ face. So if you want to kind of hear exactly where John Paul II says these concepts about contemplate the face of Christ, it’s really interesting. It’s in his, document that he wrote on the rosary. Rosarium, I don’t know if I’m saying that right, Rosarium Virginis Mariae, sorry if I butchered the Latin there, but it’s the John Paul II document on the rosary. And there’s some amazing quotes that he says in there. And you guys might pray the rosary, right? I pray the rosary, but I don’t know if we’re often realizing the genius of the rosary is actually a place to heal our identity when you link all these goodness all together. So here, the first quote of three, number one “With the rosary, (John Paul II says) the Christian people sits at the School of Mary and is led to contemplate the beauty on the face of Christ and to experience the depths of His love.”

Wow. When we pray the rosary we’re supposed to be, we’re invited to sit at the school of Mary Mary’s our teacher, Mary’s our mom, and we go to school with her. She’s our teacher. And what are we studying? We’re studying the face of Christ so that we can experience the depths of his love. Like, wow, okay, next one, “To recite the rosary is nothing other than to contemplate with Mary the face of Christ.” So there we have that idea again. There’s John Paul II saying it again. And then this last one I think is really good. It links it all together, same document, this one is from paragraph “Anyone who contemplates Christ through the various stages of his life cannot fail to perceive in him the truth about man.”

And so right there, John Paul II is saying to us, when we contemplate the face of Christ, we will discover the truth about ourselves. And I think this is the biggest missing link in this whole kind of revolution going on with identity right now in the world. And the dilemma is we’re not looking at the right person to be able to find ourselves if our identity is wounded or has struggled or we’ve misinterpreted ourselves by looking via and through others’ eyes at ourself. We actually need to look at the one who knows us and loves us, us if we’re ever going to discover who we are. That is prayer contemplating the face of Jesus. And then in particular, the beauty of the rosary. I mean, who knew the rosary is a primary place to heal our identity.

Matthew 16: 13

So I want to root this in a scripture for us for a second to kind of show this dynamic of looking to Jesus to find ourselves. And then I want to lead us in kind of a prayerful reflection again, on the face of Jesus. So Matthew , if you’ve read the Bible or you know the gospel of Matthew or you’ve, you know, studied any theology, most of the time when we hear Matthew 16 , we immediately think of, oh, this is where Jesus instituted the office of the papacy. This is where we get Peter becoming the Pope, and that is true. But something that’s really interesting that’s going on right in that same scene is a whole bunch of identity work. There’s a lot of identity statements going on. So I want to walk us through it because it establishes this reality really, really well.

In other words, we have to see Jesus accurately first before we can see ourselves accurately. So if I want to know who I am, if I want restoration of my identity, the first step is the restoration of my sight of Jesus. I have to see Jesus clearly to be able to see myself clearly. We often skip right over that step thinking it’s like kind of a game of hide and seek or however I feel about myself that day is all of a sudden, oh, there I am. No, but we are made by someone. We are in the image of someone, and the image that we bear needs to be reflected to us. We need to see Him. So like we said, pray the rosary. But here in Matthew 16 , it’s really beautiful because we watch Peter do exactly what I’m suggesting we do.

So let’s start in Matthew16 , verse 13 Jesus says, it says, “When Jesus went into the region of Caesarea Philippi, He asked His disciples, “Who do people say that the son of man is?”” Okay so, just pause for a second. Isn’t that an interesting question? “Who do people say that I am?” Jesus is asking an identity question. “Who am I?” And isn’t it weird that Jesus is asking his apostles and disciples, what are people saying about me out there? Like, how’s it going? Like, what’s the vibe? Like, How many likes am I getting? Am I doing well? How’s the mission? Right? That’s kind of how it comes across, is He’s kind of trying to get a pulse on how He’s being received. At least that’s how we can interpret it. But we all of a sudden if we pause for a second realize, ah, I don’t think that’s actually what’s going on. What is Jesus up to here? Why is he starting with this question about who do people say that I am? Because He’s leading to a crescendo, particularly with Peter.

So He starts with, who is everybody else out there saying that I am bringing up all this identity stuff? I think we can just pause there and go, wow, I do that a lot. Okay, so the next thing that He says in verse 15 , Jesus says to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Now Peter has no idea what’s coming, but Jesus is leading him through a process of revealing Peter to himself. And Jesus knows that he first has to get Jesus right before Peter can see himself. Right? See, there’s the formula. We have to see Jesus accurately before we will ever see ourselves accurately knowing Jesus comes before knowing who we are. That’s how we’re made, this is Jesus establishing it.

Peter’s New Identity

So in verse 16 , Simon Peter says, in reply, “You are the Messiah, the son of the living God.” Peter sees Jesus accurately. And then in verse 17 , Jesus says to him in reply, “Blessed are you Simon, son of Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my heavenly Father.” So just notice for a second, Peter can’t see Jesus accurately without grace. So we need help to be able to see Jesus accurately, number one. And we have to see Jesus accurately, number one, if we’re ever going to discover who we are. And then verse 18, the crescendo, the identity statement. And then Jesus says this, “And I say to you, you are Peter, from Simon to Peter. You are Peter. And upon this rock, I will build my Church and the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail against it.”

Simon has an identity shift there. He sees himself through Jesus’ eyes. But what’s required is for him to see Jesus accurately. First we have to know Jesus as the Messiah, the Savior of the world, the Son of the living God, the second person of the Trinity, the one who’s come to save us. We have to see Him accurately before we can see ourselves accurately. It’s not usually the way that we look at it. So where most of us start, when we think about healing our identities, we start with ourselves. And what I’m trying to draw us to do is to lift our eyes and to see and contemplate the face of Christ. That’s step one to the restoration of our identity. Jesus knows who we are, He will show us who we are. We need to see him accurately if we’re ever going to hear and receive our identity.

Who is Jesus to You?

I was at church years ago, and I was giving some talks at this church. And I didn’t go to it, but I kind of went to it now and again. And one of the gentlemen who attended the talks that I was offering came up to me and he asked me maybe the greatest question, and I probably gave him one of the worst answers, and I’ve regretted it ever since. But here, here was the question. He came up to me and he said, Jake, can I ask you an important question? I like, sure. So he stepped off to the side and he said, who is Jesus to you? And the question just struck me about how awesome of a question it was, and it terrified me because I was the speaker guy, right? I was the one who was supposed to have the right answers and have it all together.

And what I have to admit is that I gave him a really poor answer. I gave him, I started quoting like documents and stuff, and like, you know, Jesus is our savior, and all of it was true. But the dilemma was, I don’t think that’s what he was asking. He was asking about the person of Jesus that I knew he was asking about a personal relationship with someone. In other words, it was kind of like he was saying, can you help me see Jesus? Can you help me discover who He is through your eyes?

Oh man, I wish that I could go back and redo that conversation, but if you’ll bear with me, I’d love to try to answer it again for him with us. And I’ve put some thought into it since then and have a few more reflections. And kind of what I’d like us to do now is to just pause here, and I’m just going to offer some reflections about who Jesus is. And they’re all based on the Gospels and it’s based on what we know of Him and what’s been revealed to us through Him. And I think the goal I’m inviting us in this little time of reflection here is what does His face look like? If we’re invited to contemplate His face, what would this face look like as I describe Him, based on what the Gospels tell us? Uh, first of all, I think something that’s super important to know, if he asked me like, who is Jesus? I would say, you know, one of the first things that comes to mind is He is incredibly humble and He’s magnetic. Jesus is the kind of guy who stands out in a crowd, like He walks into a room and people notice He has this incredible capacity to attract people. He’s very dignified, but somehow you don’t feel less because of His dignity. He’s really playful, He’s actually hilarious. and it seems that most of the time when people are actually around Him and not some false version of Him, most of the time what they’re doing is smiling.

I think, you know, when you actually interact with Jesus, you can’t leave that interaction unaffected. Like that’s how potent He is. when He talks, it’s like he’s saying stuff that you’ve never heard before, but somehow when he says it, you just go, I’ve been looking for that the whole time, and I couldn’t put words to it, but somehow you just put words to this thing I’ve been longing for, and you showed me the way to have it, to experience it. When He looks at you, it’s like you’re being filled with love and hope and peace, and all of a sudden the stuff that was bothering you before it just kind of fades away. Like His eyes and His face is that moving and compelling. I mean, He looks at you like an incredibly loving friend, and oddly, it seems like He is always in the right place at the right time. He’s really easy to talk to. and when you are talking to Him, it’s like He has nowhere else to be. It, it feels like He has all the time in the world. Like you never feel rushed in His presence. And what’s weird is that He’s so compelling and magnetic, and yet you also feel this permission. Like if you needed or wanted to say no to Him, like if you needed to push Him away, somehow you get the feeling that He would love you even there.

You know, if I could just touch again, like on the, the look in His eyes, the sound of His voice, it’s, it’s like, it just makes you want to drop everything and you just want to be wherever He is. people who really know Him, they want to be around Him all the time. It’s like they can never get enough of Him. And, and when you are around Him, there’s this dynamic that comes up where you just want to be better. It’s the feeling like when you’re around Him that you’re awful, but it’s like this invitation to be better. I mean, when you’re around Him, you’re really aware of your weaknesses because He’s just so incredible. But somehow, you know, in His conversation, the way He looks at you, the way He loves you is that He, lets you know that those things they need to change, but that He’s right there with you to help you change them. And with Him, it feels like it’s totally possible. He feels really, really safe. He Is really, really safe.

It’s not weird to want to reach out to Him. It’s not weird to want to share with Him, like all your secrets. It just feels like normal. It feels safe, it feels appropriate. Like He’s so trustworthy. He’s incredibly stable, He’s very steady, it’s weird to be around somebody that secure and at the same time somebody who cares about you that much. Um, There’ve Been a lot of people who’ve really hurt Him. And oddly, it seems like He doesn’t hold it against them. Like when you, when you feel like, you know, hey, you, you should probably be upset at them for what they did. He, it’s like He can’t help but just love people. I mean, I know it sounds like it. He, it sounds like He’s otherworldly and that’s accurate, and yet He’s so approachable and kind and strong and powerful, but safe. I mean, He’s the one that you want to be your best friend. Like He’s the one that you’re like hoping that He wants to be your best friend. Like, He’s that amazing. He really likes compassion and mercy. That’s really important to Him and His relationships, they’re by far His priority. He has an amazing Father and He loves His Father. He’s very obedient to His Father, and His Father asks hard things of Him. But His union with His Father is astounding.

And the absolute amazing part is that He wants us to have His Father as our Father. It’s incredible, you know, He’s never swayed by applause, Nor is He swayed by criticism, His commitment to His mission it’s astounding. Like He’s fiercely committed to what He set His face to do, and He’s pretty clear about what that is. And it’s to love you and me, and to restore us, to heal us. He’s the most generous person that you’ll ever meet. And what He is most generous with is Himself. He offers incredible gifts to people and gives them incredible power and, and invites them to use that power in His name. But He lets them do that for their benefit and for the benefit of the people that they interact with. You know, I think the simplest thing to say is that He’s absolutely brilliant and amazing. He’s Jesus.

About Jake Khym 

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